I don't think people realize how much impact they can have on you. I guess I don't realize the impact I have on others either. But like now that i actually have people I talk to in class, or people that sit near me, it means so much. I know I seem like a total loser by saying this, but it's how I am. I am a terribly shy person but it's frustrating how people either refuse to believe it or won't see past it. my shyness does have a lot to do with self confidence. my lack of self confidence has a lot to do with the fact that i have nothing to be confident about. and i guess the fact that I even think that about my self proves something, no?

it's all a funny cycle. because like i think apart of the reason why i dont have self confidence is because the whole lack of boyfriend thing. but then again, that wont ever happen if i dont have self confidence no? so the only thing that i think MAY cure my self confidence probably wont ever happen because of the barrier that my lack of self worth makes. i just wish i was pretty because i know i have a kick ass personality, so suck ittttttt.

I'm known for kind of being a drama queen sometimes.. I guess I got that gene from my mom.. yay. The doctor basically told her to suck it up and that it wasn't getting any worst right now. But then again, this illness wont ever go away. It can get better, but it can become deadly at anytime as well. It's really hard having someone saying stuff like "you take care of Tyler if I die and you finish school." Because death is...well, death. It doesn't scare me as much as it scares other people. If I die, I'm more worried about my parents and brother being depressed about me being gone. I'm not scared about not being able to live life, because my life isn't that special. When I think about my mom dying, I know I would be a wreck but it still doesn't scare me. Is that weird?

I don't know but I'm kind of getting tears as I write this, so maybe death scares me more than I think.

my mom is sick. like hospital sick. apparently it's fatal sooner or later. can we all pray for later, please?

and I'm going to Chicago in 9 days. what bad timing.

I think when you have a blog, you start to realize how your life seems really pointless and always on repeat. I try to think about things to blog about, but never have like an amazing story or event happen in my life to actually write about. So instead, I get these really lame and emo blogs about how I'm 'broken' or some shit. And it's very hard to be witty when you have no material to be witty about. But like what do you want? Me to write stuff like "yeah so.. my 'friends' didnt call me again and i sat at home on my laptop all night"? like sad to say but that is what my life has came to. I really dont care, it brings me happiness but I just feel used. And I hate feeling used.

I want to be what you always needed, then I hope you'll see the heart in me

Jesse McCartney lied to me. Who the fuck wants a 'beautiful soul' when everyone is always like 'OMG STACEYYYY YOU ARE THE NICEST PERSON IVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.' And then LOOK. It's just ridic because I feel as if I'm in this stupid rut that is never gonna change and i have no one to save me. Well fuck life.

Micheal Jackson AND Farrah Fawcett died today... it's random how I feel sad about the death of people that I dont even know.. I barely ever cry even though I seem like an emotional wreck all of the time.

death is sad though even if you dont know the person. and even though we dont notice every time someone dies if they didnt have as big as an impact on the world as these two did, it's still sad when anyone dies. it's just weird how we only seem to notice when the person has an impact. oh god, this new me is really weird.

Edit:
BTW, i totally wrote this before the world went crazy over their deaths, KTHNKS.

no one can find the rewind button, girl. so cradle your head in your hands

I love how people are always just like "if you aren't happy with yourself, just change." they obviously don't know how hard changing yourself is. mainly because all of my problems aren't just psychical, even though psychical change is really hard to accomplish as well. my mom wants me to take some kind of leadership course or something so that I can learn how to be more social. i dont think the problem is really my social skills, because i'm very social with certain people who i actually care about... it's the rest of the world. some people think that i'm a snob because i wont talk to them but it isnt that. it isnt like I dont WANT to connect with people, i do. it's just other people and not coming off as an awkward mess. i think the problem is self confidence, but if i can't be more social without self confidence and I'm not social enough to build self confidence... what the hell am i suppose to do?