wtf (will come up with a song title once I figure out what song.. lol)

I’ve officially been nineteen for a week now.

The only time you notice a difference within a week after your birthday is when you are legally able to do something. And I know I’ve used this joke like a million times, but my birthday from now on really don’t matter. I can do anything I want now. I can vote, I can buy lottery tickets, I can drive (Hahaha!), and now I can drink.

It’s honestly, the sweetest feeling ever.

I didn’t do much for my birthday because I had my first exam a couple days later, and I was basically freaking out. Surprisingly, I’ve never really liked birthdays to be a big deal anyway. Like I love how people are so nice to do and will do basically anything for you on your birthday, but I hate when people sing to me, or tell other people that it’s my birthday or anything like that. So I think a big birthday party would have been really uncomfortable for me.
BUT. On Saturday, I went to my first bar! Now, it was a country bar, but it was fricking fun. I had pretty much the yummiest drinks ever and was actually social for once in my life. And another amazing bonus about being nineteen now is that Bedouin Soundclash are playing at the same bar at the end of October, AND I ACTUALLY FRICKING CAN GO. I basically screamed when I saw it. I’ll remember to take pictures to remind my future self who Bedouin Soundclash is/was and why I love them so.

My present self though, should be studying for my exam tomorrow. I hate how in college they put like all of your exams right on top of each other. And to make it even better, my top three hardest exams for my top three most important classes are all bang in a row. But whatever. I ACED MY HAND WASHING TEST TODAY THOUGH.

But of course, instead of worrying about studying for my Developmental Pysch. Exam tomorrow and my Dual Diagnose exam on Thursday, I’m worried about not having headphones so I cant listen to emo music as I write this.

I’m also worried about how Diane, one of my best friends last year, deleted me from MSN. WTF.
So I randomly look on MSNgeek or whatever it’s called to see who deleted me from their list and stuff, and the latest person was Diane. I just hate how I let myself be close with someone and then a couple months later they just pretend like I died. Diane use to keep me sane in life. And I know she changed. I know I changed. But the point is, I hate losing connections with people. And Diane is a hard friend to lose. But whatever, I havent talked to her since May anyway… so it was obviously coming.

But still.

Anyway, I’m actually proud of college me atm. I just sit in class sometimes and just think about how far I’ve came and shit. Anyway.. Wtf. Thats totally for a different day. I hate emo ends to journals.

it's peanut butter jelly time?

I forgot to mention in my last blog that my room mate is eating more than I am, and shes on a fast. It's hard to actually eat in college because the food is nasty or you have to make it yourself. When my parents came earlier this week and took me out to eat, I DROOLED when I ate hahaha. My mom yelled at me and now she calls me every day at dinner to see if I'm eating. It's not like I have some eating disorder or something, I'm just really lazy and food isnt really appealing around here. I would eat if someone put a plate of food infront of me, it just depends on the food.

I'm going to start using my meal plan thing everyday. 'Cept I dont think I can on weekends?
Ahaha I just need fooood.

save your scissors for someone elses skin.

My emo mood from yesterday is kinda gone (well, minus the title of this blog. that just happens to be the song I'm listening to as I write this, plus I love it to pieces. so hush future me.)

I’m still alone and I still have nothing to do today, but I have a new outlook on it really. I’m just as comfortable as being by myself as I am with other people. I honestly hate meeting new people because it’s so weird at first and I’ll only become their friend if they give me a chance to show my personality. Most people think I’m boring but that’s because they never give me a chance. So honestly, I don’t mind being alone. What I do mind though is when people on Monday ask me what I did on my weekend, I have nothing to say. I never thought I cared what people thought about me, but I guess I did.
But in reality, it gives me time to read for school because I have so many books I have to read and havent even opened them. So I can get all caught up on school and maybe even ahead. We are actually starting to learn stuff in classes, so it’s making me happy. And on Monday I only have one class because my one was cancelled and it starts at 10, so I can sleep in! So at this moment, I’m again content with college life. I bet it’ll go back to being emo within a couple hours though.

Im starting to feel really silly about this whole thing. I'm totally making it all into a big deal, when it isn't. Fool.

september 5th; show me the way to go home, i'm tired and want to go to bed.

You know how in my last post I was on a high? Yeah I’m totally at a low now.
From my basement I can hear the people above me walk around and I think that would bother most people, but for me it doesn’t. It reminds me of home. Even when I’m trying to sleep and I can still here them, it calms me. Since at home I could hear my parents walking upstairs from my bedroom. I could even hear them move their bed (hahah don’t think sick thoughts!), but to me that was comforting. But now when I hear the people upstairs move, I think it’s my parents and I want to go up and hug them. I forget where I am sometimes, and I know that I miss them and I just want to hug them so bad. I think it’s just the whole being alone factor though. I’ve always hated being alone and college is such a scary place, so being alone in it sucks. And like my room mate is gone this weekend, so I’m alone again. I have no idea what to do, and those friends that said I could go back to Seaforth with them on weekend are now in Seaforth and I’m still here. Ugh.

And to top it all off, Im getting sick and have a huge headache because I cant stop crying. I should start reading and stuff but now that Im thinking about it, I’m so over whelmed already.

Maybe my brother was right when he said I couldn’t handle college? Which I guess I never wrote about. But on the first day, I was obviously very home sick and my parents told me to call home that night, so i did. My brother answered the phone and yelled at me for even calling. He said that if Im already calling and it's only the first day, theres no way Im going to beable to handle college for the next two years, so why am I even trying. He said that I was just being stupid and I need to move on from my parents or theres no way Imma make it.

I told him I hope he feels so gulity for not letting me talk to my parents if I died the next day and hung up and bawled for the next 2 hours lol.

I'm starting to believe he might be right though. dfsgfgsfgf

september 3rd; theres never a wish better than this when you only got a 100 years to live.

Today was a good day! Well yesterday was too, but today I’m happy. I had Developmental Pysch from 8-11, and I’m pretty sure that Prof is going to be my favourite. That class so didn’t feel like 3 hours, it was actually fun. Just like highschool we are doing a lot of ‘get to know eachother’ activies in of my classes. We had to tell a serect about ourseleves to our partner and I told mine that I loved pirates and Johnny Depp. Not really a serect yeah, but she really liked him too! We talked about how he’s going to be in the new batman movie, so that was really cool. One thing I like about college though, are the breaks. For a 2 hour class you get out 20 minutes early at the end. For a three hour class you are in class for an hour and 15 minutes then get a 15-20 minute break and still get out 15-20 minutes early at the end. I honestly feel like I’m going to do so much better here than high school, I love the classes already.
After Developmental Pysch, I had childrens lit. It was only an hour class so we didn’t really do anything. Our teacher told us about an oral presentation we have to do in partners, and I was so worried because I didn’t think I would have a partner lol. I didn’t know anyone in that class, so I was freaking out a little. But then a girl asked me if I wanted to work with her, so that made me pretty happy. It’s funny though because the teacher said she’ll give bonus marks to people who go first, and like half of the class obviously wants to go first. In high school, even if you offer bonus marks for going first, not many people will offer. But so many people offered that I bet the prof regrets saying that lol.

The only down side to college from yesterday, MY BONES HURT SO BAD. It’s from my bag but my shoulders are fricking killing me. Even when I type, it hurts.
But today my parents are coming! Now don’t be like my brother and spazz at me, they are only coming because I have no clothes. I didn’t ask them to come, but honestly I wouldn’t even have enough clothes to finish this week off if they didn’t come. They should be here any minute and they are going to take me shopping. A plus side of shopping is, I bet they will take me out to eat too! I know I have my meal plan thing, but the lines are so long so I havent used it yet. All I have been eating for the past two days is fruit to go and the pop tart that I force myself to eat at 7am. I didn’t bother standing in the long food lines today either because I knew my parents were coming. I’ll probably have to tomorrow because I have class from 8-11 and then 1-4, so I can’t go home and nap or I’ll never wake up in time. I’m actually really exicted for tomorrow! I have the profs that my mom knows and have told me millions of stories about. I swear though if Thursdays workload doesn’t kill me, I can survive anything.
I just hope when my parents leave tonight that I’m not bawling my eyes out again. I honestly don’t know what will happen but I’m excited for clothes and food!

september 2nd; i have nobody to call my owwwn

September 2nd/2008. (edit- I wrote all of these but never got to posting them, so Imma post them now.)

Honeslty I didn’t think college would be like this. You prepare your whole life for it- well in my case, the last week for it. And to be finally be here, it’s like “um.. this is it?”

The actual school part of it is the easiest. Well, so far…I know it won’t be soon. But right now it all just feels like a lot of hype to me.

The hardest part at this moment is obviously being away from home. And for me since I’m living in a house and not in residence it’s being alone and bored. I should have picked residence, this is just stupid. I have nothing to do and the only chance I’m going to meet people at this rate is in class or online. Which actually, I did meet a guy from Online Reality Games that goes to Fanshawe too, which is so creepy. So instead of actually going out and being social like a normal college student should do, I sit online and be social. It’s still with a person from the same school, so that counts a little bit, right?

And what I would like to know is- Where the hell are all of my ‘friends’ that are living in London and going to Fanshawe too? Like I know this is a busy time for them too but I’m actually trying to make an effort for once and everyones like “k, I’ll let you know.” It just seems like the friends I made in highschool are probably gone for good and what’s bothering me is I have no idea what I did.
My room mate is nice. But that’s basically it. She already has habbits that annoy me, and I bet I already have habbits that annoy her. Honestly though, all she does is sit in her room. She never even watches tv, which I guess is good because it means I can have it to myself.
So in short- day one of college was okay but I need something else to do. I WANT TO BE SOCIAL FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE.