but no one has told you that forever feels like home

it turned out I didnt fail any exams after all.

yet anyway.

all that crying and freaking out for nothingggggggg.

I'm calling all angels.

I really missed my grandpa Bob today. I’m not sure if it finally hit me today or what. I never was completely close to him, but he still was family and family is family. It doesn’t matter. I think I’ve just been more upset since my parents put down Fly. I think that the only reason why any of us handled his passing away so good was because of Fly. We never had time to grieve, because we were all too worried about trying to give away a dog.
Maybe also because it’s my mom’s 50th birthday today. And so if he was still alive, we would probably be seeing him tomorrow when the rest of my family would be here. But then again, he would still have his dogs, so maybe he wouldn’t come.
And Fly would still be alive too.
Ugh, shit.
It just really worries me that I’m more upset about putting down a dog, then I was when my own grandfather died. I just think it never hit me until it had something like this to trigger it. My emotions are so weird sometimes.
But today I listened to the radio station that we listen to back home, and the song that was playing was “Calling All Angels” by Train. It’s the same song that was playing when we were driving home from his funeral, I think. Or maybe it was from his Visitation. Anyway, it still had to do with something like that. And I remember that my whole family was talking and as soon as that song came on the radio, everyone stopped and listened.
So to me it was really odd today that I was thinking about him and about Fly, and that was the song that I heard.
I saw it as a sign, but then again, that whole idea is corny. That a song would come on a radio just because it reminds you of a person. Maybe they just overplay that song on that radio station. But then again, I've only heard it twice. The first time on the way home and then today. Eh, I don’t know. I took it as a sign anyway.
I wanted to write more, on a completely different topic, but I think it would be rude if I did. So we'll save that for another day.

well they did it.

I was mad at my mom for like an hour.

it's hard to stay mad at her for longer than that though.

maybe this will turn out for the best?

we were never dog people anyway.

Mapey is happier? lmao

I'm running I'm, not quite sure where to go and I dont know what I'm diving into

I hate writing entries where I’m just so emotional and all over the place, that it’s embarrassing to read a couple weeks later. It honestly feels like crawling out of a street sewer, and having no idea how you got inside of the sewer in the first place. Not that I know exactly how that feels like, but I picture it to be embarrassing and confusing.
I realized that in college, I have more ups and downs than I did in high school. I’ll have like three bad days and then four good days to level it out. I have to stop updating my journal on a bad day.
But yeah. I don’t even know what to say right now. Last weekend was amazing, this weekend I HAVE to pull up my socks and study and read and essay until I basically bleed out of my eyes. If I don’t.. well, dropping out seems good. A couple weeks ago, my mom asked me if I wanted to drop out. I basically just yelled at her for even mentioning it.
But then again, I make it seem like Im doing all of this work and failing when I know Im not doing enough. I honestly think if I try so much harder, I will be able to pass. And I’m pretty sure this is what I want to do.
I went to a study workshop yesterday though and got some really good ideas. My problem really is that I don’t know how to study. I hate it and I suck at it. But I got idea’s yesterday that might work. Now I just gotta start studying…
Another thing I wanted to say though, is I came home this weekend to my family wanting to put Fly down. When my mom told me, I told her not to discuss it with me and then started to cry. I don’t know… like honestly, how can you put an animal down that is alive? I understand if they are sick, but Fly isn’t. She just has awful flea’s but those can be looked after. My mom has tried flea treatments on her but never took her to the Vet for one. But again, it might be different because I’m not at home as much as they are. The first thing that I noticed when I came home, was how much the basement smelt like skunk and dog. It was pretty bad.
You have to remember though, Fly was my grandpa’s dog. My grandpa Bob would NEVER want Fly to be put down. So how can you do that? He’ll be so upset in his grave, you have no idea.
Whatever though. I wouldn’t be surprised if I came home next weekend to no dog.
It just makes me pissed.

backbeat the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out

I JUST FAILED TWO EXAMS.
I don’t know. Like I really just want to give up. I want to go into the fetal position, and I want to cry. I feel like Im not trying enough, BUT IM TRYING TO TRY. It’s so fucking hard. And the thing is, I don’t feel like anyone can comfort me.

And the thing is, I have no idea who to turn to. I feel like everyone has let me down lately. Like every single person in my life just turned out to be a two faced lying piece of ass trash. And the few people that I still have in my life, have just made a big deal about it, WHEN IT ISNT A BIG DEAL. Failure shouldn’t be made a big deal. Everyone fails.
Fuck life. Fuck everyone. Just fuck.
I have no idea what to do or why Im posting. Why do i want to admit my failure to my future self. So I can look back and see how stupid I really was?

well fuck.

the best fall down sometimes, even the stars refuse to shineee

On the first day of my Developmental Psych. class, I believe that I said that the Prof would be my favourtie.
And seeing now I’m not even an hour away from that exam, I can say I spoke too soon. She is my favourite in the sense that her classes are fun and we actually learn stuff, but the way she teaches it is hard. She finally posted a review online after half of her class complained that they didn’t know what to study because she didn’t really tell us. Now lol.
I can kinda tell already that I don’t think I’m prepared enough for this exam, because I’m making myself a victim. It is my fault that I’m horrible at studying and I probably should have started on Sunday instead of sleeping for 20 hours, but whatever. It’s only 35% of my final.
ONLY 35%?! Ahaha oh god.
And in other news, I skipped Children’s Lit today so I could study more (and I actually did.. Kinda.)
But I looked online and me and my partner only got 12/15 on our oral presentation! Ripped, much?
We totally blew it out of the water.
Well.. ‘cept when I was reading the story and stumbled over a word and started to laugh, therefore making my partner laugh.. Therefore making the whole class laugh at us. But other than the chain of laughter, it went good.
Anyway, I really do want to write in this more. Or maybe start a new one or something.
When I get back from my exam or later this week I will write more than these random pieces of shit. But for now, it works.
OKAY, wish me luck. Eeek.